Tourist Is As Tourist Does

Conventional American wisdom holds that anything worth doing is worth doing big. Well, since Fabulous Patti's arrival here in Honolulu yesterday afternoon, we are doing the tourist thing big.

Unlike the elegant but actually rather understated W Waikiki, where we stayed on our last visit, the Hyatt Regency Waikiki Resort and Spa (pool pictured above) has everything its guests could possibly want... no understatement necessary. In the 21 hours we have been guests here, Fabulous Patti and I, at times with Diva Mommy in tow, have indulged in poolside cocktails at the Elegant Dive while a completely cheesy cover band serenaded us. They were actually good musicians, but their song selection left a little to be desired. We have also filled our tummies with snacks from the complimentary breakfast buffet and, after a spell on Waikiki Beach across the street, sat poolside and sipped rum drinks this afternoon. This morning, I took advantage of the small but very efficient hotel gym. After some resistance training I got on what can only be described as the cardio machine of death. It looks deceptively just like the elliptical trainers at my regular gym, but this is the devil's elliptical. 28 minutes on this machine yielded me the hardest won three miles and 300 calories of my exercise career.

However, I believe I'll have to pay many visits to the devil's elliptical while I'm here. Given how I seem to be eating and drinking, I am going to get happily fat during this vacation.

Last night, it took about 15 minutes for me to get hit on while Fabulous Patti, Diva Mommy and I took residence on the bar stools at the Elegant Dive. Well, it took more like 45 minutes, but that's just because the gentleman in question was waiting for the seat next to me to become free before he pounced. But he had been very obviously staring at me up to that point. Now, the good news is this guy was only 35; usually I am the target demographic of the 70+ set. He was also kind of cute... and a contract security guard at the U-S Embassy in Iraq, a job he chose after his tour of duty there ended. Given that I know... well, no one in the military, this could have been really interesting. But all I could think to ask him was, "Is it just ridiculously scary over there?" That's some well thought conversation right there, Sassy. For the record, he told me that life for him in Iraq is fine most of the time, but when things get bad, they get really bad. To say the least, I imagine.

His choice of workplace (that's how he described it) may have served as just a short conversation piece, but then he found out what I do for a living. The fact that I live in evil, liberal San Francisco was not at all question or opinion generating, but my profession certainly was. I answered his questions the best I could and never once got defensive, despite his occasionally ill-informed opinions. Frankly, however I feel about the war, I have great respect for the men and women willing to put themselves in harm's way because our government, lead by a moronic Commander In Chief, insists we continue to occupy Iraq (I guess you now know my feelings on the war). Besides, I'm on vacation; why cause trouble?

The down side of this gentleman's attentions? Well, first of all, he was throwing back cocktails like nobody's business. I let him buy me one, but it was the only one I consumed, compared to the five or so I saw him drink over the course of an hour or two. Also, he was dumb as a stump. Let me be perfectly clear, I am not denying that many intelligent people join the military, but this particular guy was dumb as a stump. And for me, that's one of the biggest turnoffs. As the evening (or two hours, I should say) wore on, he told me his room number and said I should swing by so we could sit on the balcony, talk or watch a movie. While the sex clearly on his mind was not on the list of approved activities, I'd say we both knew where this was going. I replied to his offer with a vague, "I may take you up on that," and then promptly retired to my own room with my mother and sister in tow.

Afterward, Fabulous Patti declared that had I taken him up on his offer, she would have been forced to openly mock me at many a family Christmas to come. I told her that had I wanted to go, she would have been welcome to mock away. After all, I would have been the one who had gotten lucky. But there will be no mocking because it wasn't to be. At the end of the night, sex with a dumb guy is still sex with a dumb guy. Not to mention sex with a complete stranger, but that's another story. There was a cuter, somewhat funky looking dude wearing a fedora at the bar last night as well. I may have welcomed a chat with him, but he didn't bite before the other dude moved in. Ah, well. I didn't exactly come to Hawaii to meet boys, although I'm not limiting my options. But the beach is my primary lover while I'm here.

Tomorrow we venture to the North Shore, but I may actually skip that trip. Although it's the North Shore, I'm not sure I'm up for a long car ride so that I may visit the set of a television show I don't watch. On Monday I'm going to get a mud wrap at the hotel spa. And on Tuesday I predict there will be a lot of pouting and crying while I anticipate returning home on Wednesday.

But luckily for me, Wednesday is still several days away!